Published Work
Some funny (and the occasional serious) work that people decided to print
Satire
The Hard Times
STUDY: Fuck It, Scrolling on Your Phone Before Bed Actually Good for You
Uh Oh: I Took 500MG of DMT and Even the Intergalactic Elves Just Told Me to Get a Job
We Sit Down with Taylor Swift and Sheepishly Walked Back All the Comments We Made About Her in a Reddit Thread She Apparently Reads
How to Boycott a Company by Talking About How Bad It Is and That’s It
We Sat Down With Our Dad Because We Were Feeling Too Good About Ourselves for a Second
Hell Yes: I Made a Song So Terrible Everyone on TikTok is Calling It a New Subgenre of Pop
Opinion: Porn Addiction is a Widespread Epidemic, I Hope
Fuck: I Finally Got My Revenge Body But It Turns Out He Broke Up With Me Because of My Personality
Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll: I Just Jerked Off, Took My Prozac, and Listened to the Glee Cover of “Dream On”
“Did You Cum Too?” Asks Man After Shutting Off “Fast & Furious 6”
How to Make Him Notice You By Emerging From the Bushes
Just Like Us! These Celebrities Will One Day Either Die or Watch All Their Loved Ones Pass Away
Ultimate BDSM? My Girlfriend is Super Mean to Me and We No Longer Have Sex
How to Hit on the Cute Barista by Ordering Your Coffee Like Normal and Leaving
Thanksgiving Joint Ruined by Mom Being Cool With it Now
13 Couples Costumes to Show Off the Strange Power Dynamic in Your Relationship
The Directions of This 2000s Party Anthem Were Unclear and Now I Actually Just Burned This Club to the Ground
10 Sexy Cop Costumes that Say: “No, I Wasn’t on Twitter in 2020, Why What Happened?”
How I Finally Accepted my Body So I Can Start Hating Myself as a Person
We Listened to Every Maroon 5 Song Because We Got Trapped in an Aeropostale Dressing Room
Ketamine Therapy? I’m on Ketamine and in Therapy
Guest Invited to “Help Himself” to Fridge Containing Hot Sauce and Four Looks
The Top 5 Fucking Haters At My Intervention
Holy Shit: This Street Performer Was So Good I Almost Gave Him Money
God Fucking Damn It: Mom’s Friend Comparing Your Dream as an Artist to Her Jewelry-Making Business Again
Reductress
‘Maybe You Just Loved the Idea of Him,’ Says Friend Giving Advice After Your Grandpa’s Death
Dad Giving Advice Clearly Trying to Be Quoted in Your Memoir
How I Got Out of My Own Head by Becoming Third Person Omniscient
Why I’m Not Having Kids Because I Can’t Go Nine Months Without Riding a Rollercoaster
How I Got Around This Restaurant’s No Vaping Rule by Never Exhaling
‘There Are a Lot of Creeps Out There,’ Says Creep Out There
Skincare King! Man Keeps Bottle of Lotion Right Next to Bed
Hairstylist Fails to Replicate Face, Body, Lifestyle of Reference Photo
Woman Suspected For Shoplifting Actually Just Dissociating in Sephora
How to Create a Spreadsheet Without Thinking, ‘I Am a God’
Woman Sort of Hopes for Tumor So Doctor Doesn’t Think She’s Crazy
Woman Treats Herself to Underwear That Isn’t Disintegrating at the Seams
How to Buy New Groceries Without Revealing to Your Roommate That You’ve Sampled Hers
‘Tattoos are Permanent!’ Says Mom with Children
QUIZ: Is He Quiet and Mysterious Or Just Obeying the Laws of the Library?
Vogue Alert! Woman’s Landlord Came to Her House and Asked Her 73 Questions
I Lived It: The Person I Don’t Want to Date Doesn’t Want to Date Me
Celebrity Plastic Surgery Fails That Look Almost as Bad as Your Regular Face
5 Things to Do on Your Laptop That Will Impress The Person Behind You on the Airplane
Apple Updates Email Footer to ‘Sent From my iPhone While Taking a Shit’
How to Convince The Girl You Babysit You Don’t Have a Boyfriend in the Cool Way
4 Funny Halloween Costumes That Will Have You Wishing People Knew You’re Hot
5 Gut Health Facts That Will Surprise You, Because We’re Going to Scream Them At You When You Least Expect It
How I Engage My Core By Telling It About That One Time I Thought I Saw Bill Murray
Why I Forgive Myself For Stealing From CVS Tomorrow
Relatable? Nose Piercing Never Fully Healed
Classic Books You Have to Read Before You Die, Or Else God Will Assign Them to You in Heaven
Woman Waiting on Better Year in Life to Take Personality Test
Woman Getting Pumped to Rap Song as If She Isn’t the Broke Bitch They’re Talking About
How to Be an Active Listener by Nodding Your Head Like Yeah, Moving Your Hips Like Yeah
Overnight Oats Recipe Forgetting that Tomorrow Isn’t Promised
Are You Mad When You’re on Your Period Or Not Nearly Mad Enough When You’re Off It?
Minute-Long Plank Really Putting the Thirty Years War Into Perspective
4 Bodysuits Perfect for Breaking Your Habit of Urinating
The Blue and White Magazine
2020 Guide to Gift-giving Guides
Dec 2020
Looking for the perfect gift for your loved ones this holiday season? But wait! How will you know where to begin shopping without a classic gift-giving guide? But wait! How will you know where to begin looking at gift-giving guides without a gift-giving guide guide?
How to Do Fall Like a Brooklyn Alt-Indie Chick
Nov 2020
The complete guide to looking like you’ve attended every LCD Soundsystem show
Did I Leave My Room Today? Negative
Sept 2020
And I still haven’t
Orientation Icebreakers: Zoom Edition
Aug 2020
Uh oh! Orientation is online this year! Here are the absolute worst Zoom icebreakers that could possibly happen to you
Staying Warm with Winter Conversation: A Step-by-Step Guide
Dec 2019
How to talk to people when you forget how to socialize during the winter in 5 basic steps
Is Delicious Really in the Details? Affirmative
March 2019
Defending Columbia Dining for some reason
The Columbia Federalist
Quiz: Which Apocalyptic Columbian Are You?
Sept 2020
Quarantine has Columbia students going crazy, but in different ways. Find out which way is yours
Letter Template for Your (Prospective) Internship: I Am Awesome
July 2020
Make sure no one forgets what’s important during the pandemic
Op-Ed: I Have a Summer Internship
May 2019
I have a summer internship, and everyone needs to know
Essays
Jonathan Franzen and the Paradox of Accepting Denial
The Morningside Review, Dec 2020
In response to Jonathan Franzen’s essay “Is it Too Late to Save the World”
Buying into the Neoliberal Trap: Vintage Nostalgia and the Shopper's Dilemma
The Morningside Review, Dec 2020
Reflecting on vintageness as a trend in fashion and society
Editorial
Misha Calvert’s Series ‘Strut’ Showcases Sex Work with Humanity, Humor
Honeysuckle Magazine, August 2021
Women in Cannabis: Vanguard Media Online Presents Dab Day Celebration
Honeysuckle Magazine, July 2021
7 LGBTQ+ Comedians You Need to Know Right Now
Honeysuckle Magazine, June 2021
Novel
Both Hands for Me
2017